A week ago or so I posted a story on my Instagram about how I was looking for a way to capture my thoughts as quickly as they came. Wishing my brain had some sort of way to automatically capture everything while simultaneously making sure to put all thoughts neatly into a folder for me to review later. However, some of you responded with the next best thing that I hadn’t even thought for whatever reason; record them! Of course. 👀
I guess I didn’t really think of this because it’s still a step too much. The train of thought goes so fast, if I have to think of recording it while I’m already thinking, it means I still have to interrupt myself and I felt that getting back to it would feel forced. Same with writing.
But despite not feeling entirely sure about it I tried it anyway. Yesterday while preparing some lunch I pressed the record button and started talking to myself. I really helped to pretend it was some sort of podcast that I’d had for ages. Feeling less awkward about the fact that I was talking to no one in particular. I felt a little weird and forced at first but after only a minute or so this started to fade and ended up rambling for a good 11 minutes straight. So it might actually have ended up being a success?
I also came to the conclusion (as if I hadn’t already come to that conclusion though) that literally no matter what I come up to talk about I almost always gravitate towards existential questions. I start to question society, life, and even death. I often get down to the same question: why are things the way they are, why do we do the things we do? I can rarely just do things without asking myself WHY WHY WHY. I continuously question everything about life. Why is society the way it is? What’s the purpose of working so much? Do we really have to live like this? What is it we actually live for anyway? Are we already doing things exactly as we’re supposed to or are there other ways?
My head is a constant place of questioning, of thinking deeply about things sometimes without even wanting to. I sometimes have to stop myself, because although is fun to philosophize it can also be extremely exhausting. It’s fertile ground for both an excessive amount of ideas but also over worrying.
I have some sort of gravitational force towards things obscure and deviant. I gravitate toward deep meaning and lots of thinking. Melancholy and sadness. My brain is often heavy and deep and weird and goes to extremes. I rarely feel balanced. I always go from one deep dive to the other. Sometimes the dive is to a place I love to be at, curiously exploring all the wonder and beauty. It’s not rare that I become emotional over things that seem very mundane at first but in my mind, they’re absolutely not. That also comes with a feeling of infinite gratitude for being able to witness all that’s in this life. And sometimes I witness myself falling into a deep hole again wondering what’s the purpose of anything really. Sometimes despite what I want and sometimes it’s exactly what I want. I sometimes surrender to falling and sometimes purposely dive.
I sometimes find myself wishing I could just exist, exist like my cat does, without pondering about every little thing, and just enjoy things. I sometimes dream of a more simple life, with a brain that’s a lot more quiet. That I could just live without constantly questioning whatever the heck it is, how, and always WHY.
I also know that’s not me, that’s not even who I am. Besides it’s also wishing a part of me gone that I very much enjoy, all of my ideas and creativity and the abundant feeling of wanting to create also come from that same exact place. I wouldn’t be making what I’m making if I didn’t have all that. I guess the over worrying and thinking is all part of that, it’s just as much part of the good things as it is of the bad things.
So does that translate into the art I make? I guess, both yes and no.
No, because I try to make art from a very primitive mindset, when I make art I want to connect to a childlike part of me. Something that’s been there since I was little, a certain joy I get out of creating. Putting colors on a flat surface, seeing an image appear out of nothing. And that image doesn’t need to be something, doesn’t necessarily have to have a deeper meaning. In that way I focus more on the process, do I enjoy what I do? Without constantly drifting towards more and deeper? I guess in a way making art is how I distract myself from all that endless thinking. It’s an anchor to hold on to so I don’t float off into the middle of nowhere with no place to return to. Art to me is very grounding in a world that doesn’t make a lot of sense. So art in a way is the most simple thing to me, it’s something I can always return to.
But on the other hand, yes. Art is also the product of my deep thinking. And although it’s very primitive in the way I try to approach it, I also explore deeper emotions with it that might not directly be visible as such, sometimes not even to me. I guess art has always been a way for me to explore my feelings in a more simplified way, a visual approach. I also get into a flow state. I guess with thinking I can either drift to myself or further away from myself. And I feel that whenever I get deep in my art, it’s because I get close to the center of who I am, my ultimate core.
But maybe my no is actually also a yes. The work I make is both a rebellion and celebration against and for my brain. It’s all in one, something that can not be defined with a simple yes or no, although that of course would be simpler. But it often just isn’t.
Thank you so much for reading, and until the next one! 🍃
Lots of love,
Now onto some less deep things! 🦋
💖 What I loved this month 💖
Oatly Soft Serve!!! 🍦
Got mine with a shot of espresso, so good 🤤
This game is both a cozy and mysterious interactive story. It’s highly focused on conversations while completing tasks and uncovering a mystery. This is the prequel to the first Oxenfree (which I also loved), but this game is definitely a stand-alone and so you don’t need any of the information of the first game to enjoy this one (I couldn’t even remember what the first one was about exactly).
One thing that really stood out and made this game so good is how freaking fluent the conversations were, it is the main mechanic, and it is GOOD. Conversations in games often feel forced, have awkward pauses and just feel static and unnatural. Well, this certainly didn’t! Absolutely check this out if you also love interactive stories.
The setting of this game is kind of gloomy and very fall-ish. So it’s perfect for rainy days (and July has been very rainy unfortunately lmao). Or you could pick this up around October to really match the in-game season.
Beautifully written and emotional book where food is at the center of it all. Honestly brought me to tears several times. Highly recommend!
⭐️ Thanks for reading ‘Inner Reflections”. If you enjoyed this you can subscribe for free to receive a new letter once every month. ⭐️