June felt a little scary 👻

Hello!!✨

The past month was nothing like I imagined it to be. I imagined June as the month that would make me overflow with inspiration. You know, painting all day, thriving in the excessive amount of sun hours! But the truth is I really wasn’t. I felt anxious, full of doubt, and couldn’t get anything done. Far from that romanticized image I had in mind.

I knew something was off but I had a hard time figuring out what it was made me feel so anxious and restless. At first, it was just a bit of an underlying feeling, not something I instantly recognized as fear. But it was keeping me from getting things done, and most of all, it was keeping me from enjoying what I was doing!

In my last letter, I mentioned that I was gonna set up my shop. And although I’m super excited about that, I’m also terrified! I want nothing more than to share my work on an even more personal level, but it’s also scary to take another step toward making things even more “real”. I’m gonna do something new, something I’ve never done before. And so I guess it’s only natural that I feel a little scared.

Posting on Instagram is my safe space. My easy. I know exactly how this goes and I can do it again and again and again. “Look! Here’s another image for you to look at safely from your screen”. It’s all really nice and safe right now. Selling is not, because it’s new, and I haven’t figured it out yet. I don’t know exactly what to expect. Selling things to you also breaks that digital barrier. It makes the connection so much more personal. That’s extremely exciting and terrifying at the same time!

I recognize this fear from other times I’ve done new things. Like the first time I ever recorded a video of myself talking. Or, the assignments of my therapist that involved overcoming my social anxiety. Doing new things is scary, but also; I’ve been here before. That moment before I take things one step further, it’s like a wall. It’s a fucking thick wall and I can’t see through it, I can’t climb over it because it’s high. There’s only one way, I have to go through it. And it’s hard and terrifying, and it’s honestly usually the point I want to run away, thinking: no this wall is too big, I can’t. I only imagine failure and endless doom on the other side. But if I think about it a little longer, and not let my fear take control, then I know that’s not true. And that I should not and will not run away. I know that once I’ve broken down this blockage things will get easier. I can do this!

I’m scared and that’s okay, it means I’m moving out of my comfort zone. If there’s one thing I know it’s that things will never get less scary by simply waiting. They’ll just continue to be terrifying. I just have to keep facing it. Because I know that once I do, and once I get it over with, I will look back and think: it wasn’t that bad. I knew I could do it.

Thank you so much for reading, and until the next one! 🍃

Lots of love,
Roos 💫